Funny Names

At my boring job I came across a name yesterday that tickled my funny bone. Broomhead. It's just a bit odd. Before I continue, my surname is Hussain. It's as common as a cow that produces milk. It got me thinking about names that I think are quiet funny. 

Emmanuel Kant

A great philosopher. It's just a shame that when you say his name out loud it sounds awfully similar to a NAUGHTY word. It did provide some humour to what could have otherwise been some of the most boring lectures I have ever sat though in my life!

Dick Van Dyke

I don't want to research whether it is a stage name or not. It'll ruin it for me. I like to imagine his parent's had a cruel sense of humour. What a brilliant juxtaposition of two names!

Michel Foucault

Renowned sociologist. His surname is pronounced FOOK-co. I'm trying to remind myself that I am 23.

George W. Bush

Perhaps scraping the barrel a bit. I just felt like reminding everyone how much of a nob he is. I think the look on his face here sums up his mentality towards leading America. 

So there you have it! I've completed my first month of blogging. I thought it would be a fad, but it's proven to be quiet an obsession. Sorry Scre4m and Cheryl, you've been replaced. I knew my mum would be a fan but my dad is surprisingly supportive (he'll be paranoid now). It does mean I'll have to be extra careful as to what I discuss. I've just made 'subtle' references to the F word and the C word so I might be getting a spanked bottom and it could spell the end to this blog. Perhaps not. Maybe if I tell them I'm in thousands of pounds worth of debt though I may find myself in the shit. They'll be getting mad now. Fear not parents! Like the majority of post graduates, I have left university with a degree that I may never use and a debt to the government I'll probably never repay in full! 

Word of the Day: Satirical

Quote of the Day: 'The opportunity for doing mischief is found a hundred times a day, and of doing good once in a year.' Voltaire

Guilty Confession of the Day: I suppose this depends on your perspective, but I'm a massive Elvis fan. I also like the Rat Pack, I guess I earn cool points for that?!

My other job

Whilst I constantly reference the wonderful supermarket I work for I also have another job as a support worker for young people with disabilities. Shocking I know, a student who has just left university who has two jobs already, and what's more I'm from Rochdale! 


My boss at this job read this blog, so here a little plug for him. Whilst I have the job at the supermarket out of necessity (I need to fund my friendship with alcohol somehow), my other job I have mainly because I enjoy it. How many of us are drawn to careers out of financial rewards instead of the pure enjoyment. Obviously we have to make ends meet, but I personally feel there is a line. If I had the choice between a job I would love or a different one that would be incredibly boring but offered a greater sum of money I would choose the one I'd enjoy. 'Money can't buy you happiness' (a phrase I actually appreciate). 


What I find somewhat ironic is I come home from the supermarket injury free and still full of energy, whereas I come home from my other job in the complete opposite condition but can't wait to return. I'm afraid the same doesn't apply to the supermarket. Obviously this is a good thing, but I think it also means I'm still no nearer to being normal. I should be in a boring job earning tons of $$$ but hating every minute of it right?


Life's too short, enjoy every minute of it!!

Meat

At various points in my life I have refrained from eating meat. When I was younger the reasoning behind this was I felt it was cruel. However I've always returned to my carnivorous ways. It's usually some shit like a big mac or bacon sandwich that draws me back.About a year ago I gave up meat for a different reason. I suddenly began getting repulsed by the thought of eating something dead. It was not because I felt it was cruel, but because I couldn't stomach the thought of eating something that had been alive. The smell of raw meat has always turned my stomach, even when I  can eat meat. Ever since I was little I've consciously held my breath if I ever walk passed a butchers. Eventually I lost the thoughts about meat being something dead and dirty. I stuck to being a vegetarian for a while longer out of pure stubbornness but eventually chowed down on a Big Mac and Double Cheese burger. 


The reason why I've written about this is because during work today the thoughts suddenly returned very strongly. It was when I handled some lamb's kidney that was fully concealed but i felt like I had 'touched' it. For the rest of the day just the sight of meat knocked me sick and I even intentionally avoided eating it for lunch. Luckily this didn't last as long as last year. The thoughts are gone! 


I've googled to find out if this happens to others but can't really find anything. It's as if I have a 'bi polar' relationship with meat. The smell certainly always knocks me for sick. But I have no qualms usually about handling it. I know many people who have issues with handling raw chicken. During a food tech lesson at school my friend made me skin the chicken we had to cook. I took this opportunity to place my hand under the chicken skin and proceeded to chase her around the classroom. I spent the rest of the lesson on the corridor. It probably doesn't come as a surprise that Food Tech was the one subject I failed at school!


I like my steak Raw and bloody when I enjoy meat. However I know this would make me feel physically sick when I can't get over the fact that it's 'dead'. So what is wrong with me? Am I alone in this? Surely there are others who have this weird problem? My attempts to be normal are really not working out! Maybe it's some subconscious psychological blah blah that's going on. The more likely explanation is that I'm just weird and being a ponce. I had fish pie for tea, I'm over it for now!!


Word of the Day: Juxtapose 


Quote of the Day: 'I ate his liver with some Fava beans and a nice Chianti'. Hannibal Lecter

Grocery Items that amuse me

I work in a supermarket (I'm sure I mention this fact a lot). Today I began to think about items that our store sells that amuse me. 

Monster Munch

First on the list is Monster Munch Roast Beef flavour crisps. Why? Because it claims to contain 'hunks' of roast beef. I was thoroughly disappointed when I opened a packet on my lunch break today. They were not the hunks of beef I'd hoped for! 

Andrex

'Soft Strong and Long'. Clearly my mind has been in the gutter today! It still tickles my funny bone!

Loreal Full Restore

This is due to the advert. Plus I get to mention Cheryl Cole again. 'Dull, limp, lifeless.' Say no more.

Pork Faggots

I think I was in a shop in Brighton the first time I came across these bad boys. It's not big, it's not clever but it sure as hell makes me piss my pants every time I see them! 

Talking Animals

I stumbled across an article last week about the Nazis attempt to train dogs to talk. I'm not going to discuss the Nazis and get all political. I'm not going to go on about how they are all massive nobs. Nor am I going to babble on about how ridiculous the notion of teaching animals to talk seems to me. What I am going to babble on about is....what if it had worked?!!!

Imagine if your pets could talk back to you? It can't just be me who talks to my dog and cat?! How amazing would it be if your pet's could tell you what was on their mind and explain why they do strange things? I'd ask my cat why she insists on scratching everything. Is she stressed? Or is she intentionally doing it to piss my mum off? My cat does meow an awful lot so I'm guessing if she could turn those meows into words she'd be a chatter box. And why is she hungry ALL the time? Or is she just an attention seeking pain in the butt?
And my dog! I'd have so many questions! Why does he bark at other dogs through our window? Is he trying to say hello or is he telling them to stay away? I know he's all talk and no action. He'll happily bark at Mr Rotweiler through the safety of our living room but but him face to face with one on a field and his little legs turn to jelly!

I'd also have understood what the crow in town was squarking about. Obviously I didn't and gave it a funny look so it proceeded to attack my head (it does look like a bit of a bird nest in fairness). If I'd have known why he was so angry maybe I could have helped?

What about other animals? Are monkey's really cheeky? Maybe they're really boring and like to talk about politics? Are foxes really sly? Perhaps their personality is akin to Mother Teresa and we've got them all wrong? I don't think we've got wasps wrong. They're nobs. 

I realise that this blog is coming across half doctor Doolittle and half crazy. I've not lost the plot I swear, I'm just a little imaginative! 


Word of the Day: Personification


Quote of the Day: 'The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.' Mahatma Gandhi 


Guilty Confession of the Day: I chose an extra ten minutes in bed over having a shower before work this morning!

Annoying phrases

My job at the Supermarket isn't the most challenging of jobs. So my mind tends to wonder. A colleague said a passing comment which got my thinking and the result is this blog! Phrases that are annoying or just don't really make sense when you think about them!


'Smile, it might never happen'

This is what was said to me yesterday at work. It's such a silly comment! Firstly, you are mistaking the look on my face as miserable when it may in fact just be my normal relaxed expression! Also if I am worrying or upset about something that could happen. I may have been upset that I am unlikely to win the lottery....so how the hell am I supposed to smile if you tell me it may never happen?!!


'Patience is a virtue'

Obviously I am a slightly impatient person. My waiting blog should be a clear indicator that patience is something I lack. Who decided patience is a virtue? Why do I have to have it as one of mine? I'm sorry, patience is not one of my virtues!


'Get a grip'

I use this sometimes. However if you think about it, what does it actually mean? Get a grip of what? It doesn't make sense!


'Can do/If you want'

This one is directed at my indecisive friends, one in particular especially. 'Do you want to watch this film?' 'Do you want this for tea?' 'Do you want to do this?' 'Can do'.
Yes I know we can do, but I asked if you want to! It doesn't answer my question. 
'If you want'. Clearly I want to, that's why I've asked if you want to as well! 

This isn't just a dig at YOU, all the other people who say this...come on guys make a decision! It won't kill you (well unless I've asked you if you want to jump off a bridge with me, but if that's the case it means I've finally fully lost it....men in white coats!). 

The Accent Factor

Those of you who know me personally are probably aware I get unhealthy obsessions. The last was focused on Scre4m. However a long standing one that has slowly began to waver was with Cheryl Cole. I don't know why I was so obsessed. Although it made me seem less insane than when I was obsessed with Scre4m!

I had no intention of ever blogging about Cheryl. But the recent rumours about her being dropped from the USA X Factor have got me thinking. Many have suggested it was due to her Geordie accent. I think it's an outrage! For me personally the Geordie accent is one of the better accents our country has to offer. Maybe I'm biased. I had an obsession with Cheryl and I also lived in Middlesborough for a while.


 Have you ever spoken to someone from Rochdale? We sound stupid, common and a tad backwards (notice I said 'we', I have the same accent). Plus a lot of southerners struggle with our accent. Try ordering a coke in a bar anywhere below London. I bet you have to repeat yourself at least once! What about the Scouser accent (Liverpool)? Would it have faired better if they had used Cilla Black? What about a Brummie (Birmingham)? No I have it! Barnsley! I'm sure they have their own language!


I think it's a disgrace. I'm going to gather my Tin Foil Hat friends and we will unite against the X Factor and get Cheryl her job back! It also appears that my latest obsession is with 'Tin Foil Hat' people. Now I know I'm a long distance away from being normal! 


Word of the Day: Canny


Quote of the Day: 'When I look at the world I am pessimistic. When I look at people I am optimistic.' Carl Rogers


Random thought of the Day: Should I just give in to the random urge I always get to flick customers who shop at the supermarket on the nose and see how they react? (Probably not, I need that job).

Big Brother is watching...

A conversation with my colleagues a few days ago lead a scary revelation. The supermarket that I work for has a nationwide team who scour the internet, focusing on websites such as facebook and twitter, for any slanderous comments it's employees make about the company. Obviously it is never a wise move to publish negative statements about the company you work for, mostly because your boss may have access to your social media account. To have a team who check for this however is eerily similar to George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four.

There was a recent incident of a group of teachers having their pictures of them on a hen night on facebook. It caused 'outrage' with some parents. Personally I think the parents who were 'shocked' and 'disgusted' were born in the wrong century and should get a grip. The teacher's real crime? Not making their accounts private! Here is an article on the incident. I've made sure mine is but I wouldn't be silly enough to criticise the supermarket I work for. My pictures however are somewhat dodgy, but I am trying to be normal. 


Privacy is something that is becoming increasingly difficult to have in the technological world. Take the current Ryan Giggs situation. Twitter has revealed it is prepared to identify thousands of people who revealed the identity of the mystery footballer who had an affair with what's her name who was on what's it called. Seriously? Maybe as it becomes increasingly difficult to have any privacy, more so if you are in the media spotlight, then we should all learn to only have nice things to say and more importantly keep it in our trousers?

I again look back on the Tin Foil Hat people. Maybe you guys are right! We sure as hell have to be extra careful if we want any privacy! 

My hometown

Today I feel depressed. Why? Probably due to the fact that I have to spend summer in my lovely hometown of Rochdale. I love my friends here, which will make the next few months survivable. However here are some interesting facts that Rochdale has gained notoriety for-:


Lizzie Bardsely

Our Lizzie gained fame for her appearance on 'Wife Swap'. Her foul mouthed rants and revelation that she claimed £37,500 in benefits a year made Lizzie an instant celebrity and put Rochdale back on the map. Not since Lisa Stansfield has Rochdale gained such popularity! Lizzie has since appeared on celebrity fit club and been charged with child cruelty. She is a true representation of Rochdale.


The Nightlife

With the local people of Rochdale the town centre has always been viewed as slightly 'rough'. However the true dangers of braving a night on the tiles in Rochdale made national headlines on the 17th October 2010 when two men decided to drive down the main street and plough down around 23 people. Here is the article on the said incident. 

Crime Statistics

My research has led me to some interesting figures on the crime rates in Rochdale.

                                             Rochdale  Average 

Population	206,100	-
Households	86,000	-
Burglary	16.9	11.0
Criminal damage	30.7	17.0
Drug offences	5.2	4.0
Fraud and forgery	4.6	3.0
Offences against vehicles	16.5	11.0
Other offences	2.6	1.0
Other theft offences	18.9	20.0
Robbery	2.2	1.0
Sexual offences	1.3	1.0
Violence against the person	19.4	16.0

I think the figures speak for themselves. 

The Benefit Capital

Due to the likes of Lizzie Bardsely and the delightful programme 'The Trouble with girls' Rochdale has become known as the benefit capital of the country. I'm a full supporter of the benefit system when it is used for the right reasons. However I think it is a fair assumption to make that many of those who are on them in Rochdale shouldn't be. 

Racism

Just google racism Rochdale. Plenty of news articles will appear. I don't take sides. Not because of my multi racial heritage but due to the fact that I have something called a brain. 

So there you have it. This summer I get to spend time in England's answer to the Bronx. If I dare to venture into the town centre for a drink I risk getting run down by a maniac. If I simply venture the streets I may get beaten up for my race (and lets face it I could get it off both 'sides'!)

 There is a lot of good things that people do and that happen in Rochdale. But the simple fact is we are all just making the best of a bad situation. I'm afraid that I'm a rat, I plan to jump ship as soon as the opportunity arises! 


Word of the Day: Obliterate (For obvious reasons)


Quote of the day: 'It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful.' Anton LaVey 


Guilty Confession of the Day: I sometimes lie when I meet people and say I am from Manchester.

Something I found in my pocket

Today I moved most of my things from my flat back to my home in Rochdale. Sad times. However I'm not going to ramble on about that, I still have a few days of madness planned for when I pick my results up. I found a poem in one of my pockets today. If my memory serves me rightly the poem in question was given to me by an older gentleman who was shopping at the Supermarket I work in. He informed me that he liked to write poems, print them off and hand them out to people who looked like they might appreciate them. I also think this serves as a nice continuation on my blog about old people. 


Age is a quality of mind
If you have lost your dreams
If hope is cold
If you don't look ahead
If your fires are dead
Then you are old
But
If from life you take the best
If in life you keep the zest
If love you hold
No matter how the years go by
No matter how the birthdays fly
You are not old
Just smile


Terence Hutchinson 


This seems to really sum up my theory on the two types of old people perfectly! 
If anyone is assuming I've lost it and this blog will start getting all poetic do not fear! I'm not the most poetic of people. If I was going to write one it would go along the lines of-:


I like to poo
I think you do too
It's best when it smells bad
Otherwise it makes me sad
Sometimes it can sting
Sometimes it lands with a ding
This is why I should not rhyme
I feel as though it's a poetic crime


Kyle Ian Hussain


I hereby promise to never post one of my own poems on this blog again!


Word of the day: Sphincter 
Quote of the day: A question that sometimes drives me hazy: 'Am I or are the others crazy?'' Albert Einstein 

Armpit hair

Sometimes we say things before we think them through properly. Me and a friend were pondering over why we have armpit hair. I suggested it comes from when we were cavemen and it would warn us if we had gotten to close to the fire. Apparently this was a stupid comment, similar to my friends theory on her mobile phone interfering with her brain waves. My friend explained we probably have them due to us evolving from apes, so our body hair are remnants of monkey ancestors. His theory seems to make more sense. 

Or maybe we have hair to protect us from the harsh signals from technology such as mobile phones. So all you baldies should invest in a tinfoil hat!!

When your past comes back to haunt you

Last night was obviously tainted by the tragic death of Barry the bird. Another key incident that occured last night was my past coming back to bite me in the arse! Whilst having a nice, civilised conversation with a colleague a gentleman approached me and said, 'You're Kyle aren't you? Do you remember when you tried to kill me a few years ago?!' For a split second I though he was going to return the favour but he simply laughed and the conversation turned to the usual how have you been etc.

I think 'attempted murder' is a bit extreme. He seems to believe I tried to run him over. I recall it slightly differently, mostly because I was not driving the car. I may have lifted the handbreak up as we were parked on a steep hill and he was leaning through the window to talk but I don't think that counts as trying to run him over. Most importantly he lived to tell the tale! It was five years ago, I'm guessing he's somewhat psychologically scarred.

Clearly I have a mischievious and slightly cruel streak that runs through my veins. What can I say? He was annoying me at the time so I resorted to extreme measures. I've learned my lesson. If you are going to try and kill someone make sure they are dead otherwise they'll find you in the pub and embarass you! I joke, the lesson is sometimes words are better than actions. Next time I'll inform someone they are annoying instead of using a car to get my point across!

Word of the Day: Hippocampus

Quote of the Day: 'It is the mark of an educationed mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.' Aristotle

Random thought of the day: Did dinosaurs fart and how bad did they smell if they did?

Barry the bird

My mum and I rescued an injured bird yesterday. We think, but are not certain, that it was our cat that attacked it. Initially the bird seemed to be on death's door but after we gave it some water via a syringe some life came back to it. We named him Barry. I had visions of Barry getting better and frequenting our garden for food and to shit. I left our home for a 21st birthday meal and a few drinks in a pub with Barry put to the back of my mind. When I got home Barry popped back into my mind and I hoped he would have been set free by one of my parents. Sadly I found Barry was still in his box. Whilst he is still warm I fear he is dying, if not already dead. What started and was ending as a good night has finished in tragedy. I knew my cat was a bastard.

R.I.P Barry the bird

xxx

Inside/Outside

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>WARNING<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
                                            (I think this might get a bit serious)

A lot of my blogs come from random thoughts or discussions I have with my friends. Obviously the majority of things I talk and think about are completely ridiculous, if not somewhat funny. On the rare occassion however a serious conversation may arise. This topic has been brought to light with a few important people in my life this week...should how we look really matter?

I've always been brought up to believe that it's what is on the inside that really counts. A lot of my friends may come up with responses such as 'You can't **** a personality'. In all honesty though I think we all should really think about what really matters. I think it is important to take a certain amount of pride in how you look. You should feel comfortable in your own skin. But unless you are a model, it is our personality and actions that will push us forward in life.

Is it not more rewarding knowing that your friends enjoy your company for who you are and not for how you look? Obviously in relationships attraction is an important factor but overall it's personality that will keep the life in the relationship in my opinion. When you are having surgery would you not feel more comfortable knowing the surgeon got their job because they were the best available or because they were the prettiest to have applied?

I could go on and on about why people need to stop being so driven by looks. But I want to keep this brief so that people actually read the full blog and don't get bored halfway through. I'm going to use two examples of people who have made their career from their looks.

Firstly lets look at Kate Moss.

A successful supermodel? Yes. A good role model? Well lets think. Obviously Moss is well within her right to lead her life as she so wishes. So I'll overlook the drugs, falling out of clubs and the men. But for someone who is very influential to young girls to come out with 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' is a total Nob in my mind. Well done Mossy, I'm sure the parents of all those adolescents with eating disorders love you!

My second example is Katie Piper.

Those of you who are not familiar with Katie Piper should read up on her story. She started out as a model but was raped and beaten by her boyfriend, who then went on to pay a man to throw acid in her face. What is admirable about Katie is that she has used what has happened to her to help others who have physical differences to the norm (such as burns, turmours etc). Instead of shying away she has made a difference in people's lives, not only due to how she looks but because of her great personality. I strongly recommend people to watch Katie Piper: My Beautiful Face and Katie Piper: My Beautiful Friends on 4OD.

Obviously I've used two extreme examples. But I hope I've made my point! Yes, it is ok to take pride in how we look and feel comfortable in our skin BUT that should take the back seat. It is what we do and who we are that matters, and what people will ultimately judge us on. And for the record, I don't care too much about my looks, I roll out of bed in the morning and go to work with my hair as wild as anything and my clothes unironed. I guess I just hate to be normal and conform!

Word of the Day: Apodictic

Quote of the Day: 'Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of others.' Carl Jung



Farting in the bath

A friend of mine informed me that their young son has recently discovered the joys of farting in the bath. I laughed and revealed that it never stops being funny. Sadly my friends disagreed. Apparently they 'grew out' farting in the bath. This made me feel slightly disheartened. I still enjoy making my own jacuzzi. And the smell! Geeze if you thought you produced stinking farts wait until you get a sniff of those bum bubbles!!
I'm worried this yet again makes me not normal. Farts still amuse me. Burping amuses me. I still try to burp the alphabet and still participate in burping contests (I usually win). I know there are others out there who see the fun in the ways our body ommits gas. But are we the minority? Or are my friends merely prudish?

Waiting

I'm still holding onto the last few moments of being a student. Which sadly entails a long bus journey to Huddersfield from Rochdale and vice versa. It's a long journey which has only one supporting factor; the scenery. I never said it was a good supporting factor. Whilst I stood in line for the bus I began to think about how much of our time we spend waiting. It's not as though we generally enjoy waiting for things to happen. I surely did not find anything productive to do when I was waiting in the queue for my bus to arrive. I'd much rather have been sat on the bus listening to music or better still sat in front of the tv with my mum watching crappy soaps. Obviously there are more serious things to wait for such as hospital treatment, whether we go that job we longed for or that moment when life actually makes sense (I'm still waiting for this...will I ever be normal??)

Life should be fun. That's my outlook on the world. So I've thought of the things I hate waiting for, but these aren't serious, tear jerking subjects. Just random events/scenarios/etc that occur throughout everyday life.

The Toilet
There is nothing worse than waiting for the toilet. Whether its to pee or poo it seriously feels like the world is about to end during those few moments when you have to wait. Queueing while you are in a bar isn't too bad, you've usually had a few and can chat with friends whilst you wait. When you are at home and you are waiting for your sister (or whoever) to finish taking a dump/have a shower/spread their faeces across the walls it is a different story. Those long minutes whilst you wriggle and squirm in hope that you can make to the toilet are pure torture!!

Text Back!
The title says it all. I think everybody is guilty of sometimes not texting back right away. You've just not made your mind up yet, simply can't be bothered or are a bit busy at the time. All reasons I've had in the past. When it is you waiting for the reply however it can be really annoying. I've sometimes wished an evil army of flying monkeys on my friends when they don't text me back! Sorry guys, I do it too I know!

Christmas
I'm 23. I still get excited. It's not about the presents as much anymore, I like the general atmosphere and people are always a whole lot friendly at this time of year. (Accept for people who shop in supermarkets. Seriously get a grip, the store is only shut for 2 days). It just takes so damn long for the day to arrive!

Pregnancies
Sometimes I wish they'd tell you when they just have a month left to go. My sister seems to have been pregnant forver already and there are still 3 months to go!

Scream 4
I've never got that excited about a film before. It took forever for it to come out. A friend of mine has banned me from watching it again. Probably for the best.

Food
There are those moments in life when I have thought I was actually going to drop dead on the spot because I have been that hungry. The worst time was on my Duke of Edinburgh Expedition. By the end of the day after living off squeezy cheese and pitta bread rations I was on the verge of a mental break down. I'm the guy who's mood is governed by my hunger. If I'm being snappy and quiet I've not got male pms, just give me a chocolate bar and I'll be you BFF!!


I'm sure people can think of far better and funnier ones but I'm about to watch a film (not Scream 4, I think my mum will be imposing that ban too when I move home for summer!)

Word of the Day: Benevolence
Quote of the Day: 'It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up.' Vince Lombardi