Reminiscing

The Supermarket is gone. Over. Finito. But here's a little video to reminisce on my time served there:

Goddam Annoying Early Risers

Waking up foggy, a little dazed and more than occasionally grumpy is the norm for me. It can take up to a couple of hours for me to 'come round'. I was renouned for it at university and I assumed it was the liefstyle that was causing it. However my morning grumpyness has persisted almost seven months since I graduated. I've done a little research into why I wake up grumpy and how I can resolve this. Of course all the answers are somewhat contradictory. As you can imagine I've already woken up in a less than pleasant mood so this has not rectified it!!

This helpful website is telling me I have sleep debt and I need to repay it with 1 - 2 extra hours of sleep a night. I'm sorry, during a recesion you are telling me I owe my sleep aswell?!

Next website please! Steve Pavlina offers a personal development plan. Looks pretty promising. He does make the mistake of rambling on about converting to veganism as it appeared to improve his sleep. I tried being a veggie Steve, twice. I like my steak too much. BLOODY.

The Daily Mail (obviously I'd become desperate) offers an article on women being worse in the morning than men. according to the study it may be because women have more things to do when they first get up than men. Stress and worry was a big contender for people waking up in a grump, and not wanting to leave a warm bed was another.

I've decided the answer is to sleep for an extra hour, become a vegan and not have the heating on in the morning. Isn't the internet full of rubbish! *Tin Foil Hat Wearers* eat your heart out.

Here's a site with 40 sleep facts, far more interesting than all the other twaddle I've read this morning.

Word of the Day:  Insomnia

Quote of the Day: 'A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow' Charlotte Brontë

Remember Salem....?

A woman in Saudi Arabia was beheaded this month for being accused of practicing witch craft. Amina bint Abdulhalim Nassar was the 73rd person to be executed this year in the country. It's shocking that in this day and age someone can lose their life for holding a view that contradicts what the majority deems normal. If it is not causing harm to others how is it justifiably punished with death? 

Witchcraft within the UK has seen a rise in following in recent years. What's more come Halloween the Saudi government would behead a fair few people over here. 


Also I must confess that I have 6 toes and pray to the full moon every month which is why I took great offense to this horrendous crime. Enough of my blogging, I shall now gather my Harry Potter books and find a worthy curse to place upon David Cameron...

Effin offensive

A village in Ireland has been wiped off facebook as it has been deemed offensive. The little village of Effin at the time of the article's publication could not be referenced as a hometown. The people from the Town were Effin annoyed to say the least!!


I think I might email Facebook and request that they remove Rochdale from the site...we're all Effin offensive us Rochdalians!! 

A Church even I'd consider going to...

...If I lived in New Zealand. These two posters are what the Church has used as an ad campagain. It is the Church's take on becoming more liberal and therefore increasing the number of people going to church.

 Of course it's caused a massive stir, but that was obviously the intention. The two articles on the posters can be found here and here. My only wish is that they had depicted Mary and Joseph as a black couple, just to really ruffle all the conservative christian's feathers. And the Church's official website is here. 

Adios Supermarket

On Friday I terminated my career with the Supermarket. It had been on my mind for a considerable amount of time and I finally grew some balls and left. In simple terms I no longer cared for queue length times, overcooked chickens, no shallow trolleys being at the entrance and if I heard 'all amber reliefs' one more time I may have actually imploded. 


As my slightly angry boyfriend has explained, it was not the best of moves. Leaving a job for another is the usual route people take. However I am young, have no real commitments as of yet and know where I want to go in life. The supermarket was not getting me there. All that said, I have not left in a angry rage. I takeaway some lifelong friends which is what ultimately kept me there as long as I was. 

Reading through my blog in retrospect it is not as surprising that I left. Just look at Four Year Anniversary, Stupid Supermarkets, and My Other Job!! Looking back I committed several crimes typical of a employee of the Supermarket -:

• Took an extra 5 minutes on my break
• Turned up to work hungover/still drunk
• Had the urge to punch a customer (I wouldn't speak to David Cameron the way some people have spoken to me)
• Dumping aka not putting something back in the right place
• Told a customer something is out of stock when really I had no clue either way
• Told a customer I didn't know where something was because I just wanted to get home (why stop me when I'm wearing my coat indicating I've clearly finished)
• Clock watched (every shift)

So now with my considerably reduced working time I intend to do some voluntary work whilst I join many others who are looking for a job! But at least I can now wake up with a smile on my face and due to it being the festive season I'm sure I'll be doing some of this-:

So I say goodbye to a certain extent to friends, co-workers and managers (who by the way unlimited smoking breaks and rumbling aka gossip time were the two perks to your job that made me consider staying. That said, why did you never rumble trolleys?? I joke, obviously.) 

Enough of my ramblings, I plan to take my blog back to it's satirical self. 

Farewell Tesco!!!

Word of the Day: Futurism 

Quote of the Day: 'When people go to work, they shouldn't have to leave their hearts at home' Betty Bender 

Reply not Reply All!!

Like many others out there I am looking for a job. I am fortunate enough to have not one but technically 3 jobs. However one only only takes place during school holidays, one is a shift in a pub and the other I LOATHE. So like millions of others I am constantly emailing prospective employers with my CV in hopes that they will consider me. Imagine if this was the response you got:


'I think I speak for all 4000 people you have emailed when I say, "Thanks for your CV" – it's nice to know you are taking this seriously. Please f*** off ... you are too stupid to get a job, even in banking.Yours hitting the delete button Have a nice day!'

Gary Chaplin sent this to the 4000 people attached to an email from the recruitment boss instead of just a reply him. Ouch! Ironically Mr Chaplin has found himself out of work and now will be keeping his fingers crossed that this is not the reply he gets from prospective employers. What a nob!

Word of the Day: Imbecile

Quote of the Day: 'The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing' John Powell  

Rich Pussy

A rich old Italian lady has passed away and left her entire fortune to a stray cat she took in! The nurse who cared for in her last days has been given the responsibility of taking care of the little fur ball. She has plenty of $$$ to buy him the latest designer collars (I hear it's all about Dolce and Gabbana's Rustic leather for cats for the winter season), the best cat food (surely it has to be Harrod's Lobster and Cavier cat food, personally cooked by Gordon Ramsey?!) and the a beautiful cat bed (I'd recommend a one off designed by Laurence Lewin Bowen, who has recently crafted a state of the art cat basket for Jennifer Aniston). 

Bloody lucky cat! I'm not going to ramble on about how he may not be as rich when the euro falls or whether she could have bestowed her money to a more deserving cause (who are we to honestly say anyone is more deserving, I have money to spare and don't give it to those who need it more than me. I did buy some nice trainers last month though). I am JEALOUS though. I bought a lottery ticket last week for the first time in ages and got nothing for it. That damn cat is more lucky than me of late. Kudos to him!

Four Year Anniversary

On Saturday I'll be celebrating my four year anniversary. What anniversary is this? I will have spent four years of my life employed by the supermarket! That's one year longer than I have spent at university, one year less than I spent at High school, one year longer than my longest relationship, one sixth of my life and most importantly four years too many!


I am grateful that I am fortunate enough to have a job in these hard times. However I am a firm believer that you should work for enjoyment as well as financial gain. Obviously we have ends to meet, but I do not gain fulfillment from listening to people request a refund for a chicken they purchased and cooked which they found 'too tough'. (I had to give the refund but my insides were screaming 'it was too tough because you overcooked it you thick posh ****').


I have learned some things from the job however. Always read the small print on labels (because we love to mislead you), old people are either really nice and give you sweets or bitter old slugs who need a kick, the customer is not always right, ox tongue is really ox tongue, old people still have sex, chav's have a football team worth of kids that they feed half of their shopping to before they pay for it and most importantly I have learned I do not want to be here forever!!!


I must note that I have made some lifelong friends at the supermarket and they make my time there bearable. However if I am still there in a years time and facing my five year anniversary I shall dye my hair pink and change my name to Wendy. 


Word of the Day: Insignificant


Quote of the Day: 'Oh you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.' Drew Carey 

The End...might not be nigh!

2012, the end of the world. December 21st to be more precise. Well according to an interpretation of the Mayan calender. But all you supersicious folk and Tin Foil Hat wearers can let out a sigh of relief. A German archeologist has revealed an alternative interpretation. Sven Gronemeyer explains that the Mayan calender foretells that Britney Spears will become ruler of all the world. 

According to the new interpretation of the Mayan calender Britney will begin her mission for Universal domination by eating David Cameron's brain. Following this Britney will rapidly take over each country with the aid of her hefty bank account and sexual prowess. So we have been warned!!

Obviously I'm taking the piss, but here's the real article on Sven Gronemeyer's findings if anyone is genuinely worried about 21/12/12.

Word of the Day: Prophecy

Quote of the Day: 'After there is great trouble among man kind, a greater one is prepared. The great mover of the universe will renew time, rain blood, thrist, famine, steel weapons and disease. In the heavens, a fire is seen.' Nostradamus  

Random thought of the Day: Can anybody come up with a prophecy or do you have to be part of some secret society?? I predicted that Amelia Lily would win the X factor way back when she first auditioned. If that comes to be I believe I am officially psychic...

AWOL

It has been quiet a while since I last blogged. After much deliberation I've decided to give it another go. During my time away from the blogging world I also abstained from using facebook, became an uncle and settled down. Like many addicts though I have fallen off the wagon and now have once again become an avid facebook user. I even have Twitter now! 


It is nice to see that my last blog was about a woman chopping off a penis. I suppose it would have been a nice swan song for my brief time as a blogger, but with the economy being such a farce I have yet to find myself a 'grown up' job. Therefore I may aswell accept my fate, I am a post graduate who has the grand responsibility of pushing trolleys (when my back gets better - I've done that in during my time away). BUT at least I have a job so can't complain too much.....Tory T****  


P.s Follow me on Twitter  http://twitter.com/#!/kyleian

Word of the Day: Reincarnation 


Quote of the Day: 'No attempt at ethical or social seduction can eradicate from my heart a deep burning hatred for the Tory Party. So far as I am concerned they are lower than vermin' Bevan 


Random Thought of the Day: When is acceptable to fart in front of a new partner? It took three months for me to pluck the courage up to let one rip. True story. 

Off with his penis!

A woman has cut off her estranged husband's doodah. By all accounts their marriage was pretty much over, but they were enjoying a nice meal together after a row over friends coming to stay. The kinky wife decided to slip some drugs into her husband's tea leading to him getting knocked out. When he awoke he was tied to the bed and she proceeded to chop his penis off!


He is currently in hospital after undergoing surgery and said yo be in a 'good condition'. Really? I seriously doubt that! He had filed for divorce in May citing irreconcilable differences. Well whatever was irreconcilable before has certainly been trumped by his loving wife's latest escapades!

Red paper clip

Yesterday whilst making tea I heard about Red Paper Clip on radio one. Basically a guy (who just so happens to be named Kyle) started off with a red paper clip and traded it in until he eventually wound up with a house in Phoenix, rent free!


Obviously this beats the whole kidney for an i-pad concept. I haven't fully read the guys blog about his experience but it appears he didn't stop with the house. I think it was more about the actual experience than trying to gain anything. I think someone should give this a go! He had to travel around by the looks of things and I can't drive so I'd be somewhat limited if I was to try it. If I was to attempt this however, I'd start with the cat. There, I said it. The family cat is a bitch. Anyone fancy trading in their house for a cat? Did I say she was a bitch? I meant to say she is adorable.


Word of the Day: Adventure


Quote of the Day: 'Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds!' Bob Marley 


Funny Story: My pregnant sister seems to be unaware of how a dressing gown works. As I made my way up the stairs I was greeted with her strolling (waddling) out of the bathroom with it wide open. Thank you for that image Jim. She'll probably make me delete this, shame I can't delete the image from my mind!!

Dirty Kebab

I made the biggest school boy error the other night. Chilling out having a few drinks in a garden lead to the sun going down and a few more drinks getting consumed, turning into a late trip to a pub leading to more drinks and some rather uncool dance moves being busted in a bar along with some more drinks being supped. All of this is acceptable, but this all lead to the purchasing of a greasy kebab. It was lovely at the time (I think). I ate it all. I knew I'd regret it the next day, but was not prepared for how much.

When I finally arose the morning (lies), I was intrigued to find I had 2 missed calls and a text message. The intrigue soon turned to devastation as the 2 calls were from my friend who also purchased a kebab. The text message (also off my friend) informed me that their kebab was not cooked properly so I had best check mine. Doh! I don't think I have food poisoning but I have another day before it could potentially kick in.

Why do we eat such crap when drunk? Apparently one group of scientists believe it affects the Hypothalamus (a part of the brain) and tricks you into feeling more hungry than you actually are. Whatever the reason, I'm going to avoid food as much as possible but if worse comes to the worse I'll play it safe and get a margarita pizza instead! 

Word of the Day: Oblivious 

Quote of the Day: 'Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.' Seneca 

Random Thought of the Day: Would you rather have diarrhea or constipation? 

Guilty Confession of the Day: I'd rather have diarrhea.  

Career Change

A successful banking consultant has embarked on a rather unusual career change. He is now a trained witch doctor. So what thoughts has this provoked in your mind? Do you find him odd? Does this seem like a bizarre decision, to leave a comfortable life for something completely different that I assume doesn't offer grand financial rewards?


I don't. I think it's great, but I'm not normal. We have one life, grab every opportunity that comes your way. Never settle, always be ready for change. Success and achievement is what you deem it to be, whether that be a flash car, house in the suburbs and 2.4 children or moving to Cape Town and living as a witch doctor. So whilst many of you would probably ask Thomas Heathfield if he is mad, I'd congratulate him on not being another Joe Bloggs. 


Although I hope his career as a witch doctor does not involve human sacrifices, such as this stomach churning case.